It's been AGES since I've participated in the 100 Word Challenge over at Velvet Verbosity.  Actually, it's been a while since I've taken the time to write much fiction at all - including a novel I started last year.  Oy.

Anyhow.  This week's challenge: Darkness.  I've dusted off my writing brain to give it a shot.

Here it goes:

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I awoke gasping for air.  My eyes were slow to adjust to the darkness of my bedroom.  

Clarity set in.  It was the middle of the night.  I had been dreaming.  Of him.  Again.  He was right there.  It was as if the past few months had never happened.  As if I was in a world where he hadn’t died.

Each blink made the lingering image of him on the inside of my eyelids disappear a little more.  

I couldn’t let him go completely.  I shut my eyes tightly and tried to force myself back to sleep.  Back to him.

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I found something that resonated with me while doing author research for work.  It was within a 2004 Phoenix Rotary newsletter that happened to contain information about one of the authors.  Random.  But it jumped out at me.

Words to live by.  I love it.

Disclaimer: If you know Ashlie and Jake in real life, you might want to skip this post.  It's a bit personal.  It talks about sex.  And marriage.  And might be WAY more than you want to know about the two of us.

So, last January I was really struggling and wrote a post titled Lost Mojo or How often do married couples with kids have sex?  It was probably the most personal post I had written here at Mommycosm.  Surprisingly, it has been the post that generates the most long-term traffic as well.

You wouldn't believe how many hits the post gets in the wee hours of the morning - mostly men wondering why their wives have lost their mojo as well.  Some leave comments just to vent, others are seeking advice.  Some are in a similar situation to my marriage.  Others are dealing with issues way beyond my scope of understanding, such as infidelity.

I have taken the time over the past year to follow up within the comments.

I'm not sure that the latest anonymous person to comment actually read the stream of comments first.  I started to respond within the comments again, but realized that my response truly deserved it's own post.

The comment:

From what I can tell you are only in the marriage for security. (Security isn't always financial)

Life is too short. Read between the lines and get out now. Will you be happy 10 years from now looking back? Haven't you already made up your mind that you're not going to change anything? None of this is your fault is it?????

If you really had an attraction to your husband you wouldn't need to FIND time for sex. Look at all the thought and time you put into this post... Life change isn't easy but you obviously need it. Release him and yourself so you can both find real love. You listed every excuse not to have sex with your husband but the real one...

Yeah, anonymity allows people to skip the BS and just say what they think.  It also allows them to be both judge and jury, lol.

My response:

Dear Anonymous;

Your response is perfectly reasonable.  In fact, it may even explain why this post is the one that continues to provide the most long-term traffic here at Mommycosm.

Love and Marriage.  The love part is wonderful and intoxicating.  It's what drives us to Marriage.  But the Marriage part?  Well, it isn't always so easy.  Why?  Because as much as Marriage can bring two lives together, there are still two individuals involved.

You see, each person goes through their lives living the roles that they created for themselves.  Each and every day, each and every thing we go through changes us.  We carry pieces of our experiences around with us as we move forward through life.  Sometimes, especially when you have young children, the roles haven't been clearly defined.  Or perhaps due to necessity, the roles become less than ideal for one or both partners.  When that happens, Resentment can be carried around.  

Resentment is kryptonite for Mojo.

In the beginning of a marriage, it is natural to feel a strong connection and be on the exact same page.  As time goes by, circumstances change.  Our experiences might change us enough that one or both partners feels disconnected.

I truly believe that as long as there is love - a marriage can pull itself back from the rock bottom abyss of disconnect.  As long as both partners are willing to let go of Resentment and work to reconnect.

So, yes.  My marriage does provide security.  It is a great feeling to know that someone loves me and accepts me and wants to be with me in both the good and bad times.  But...it also provides a ton of love...both to give and receive.

When I wrote this post a year ago, I was equally as frustrated as my husband...and equally as willing to find a way to change and reconnect.  I wasn't trying to make excuses and I wasn't trying to place blame...although it may have come across that way at times.  You were only reading my version of the story. 

The lack of sex?  Like many problems in a marriage: It was neither of our faults.  On the other hand, it was both our faults.

Looking back, I KNOW I would not have been willing to go in search for my mojo and share this extremely personal situation if I simply was no longer attracted to my husband.  I would have walked away from my marriage in a much quieter and more personal manner.  Divorce isn’t taboo in my family.  In fact, I’m the only one in my immediate family to NOT have a divorce (or two) under my belt.  I am an independant and resourseful person - I can live without my husband.  I love him and would rather find a way to live happily with him.

When I wrote this, I was frustrated my husband didn't understand that it wasn't as black and white as "If you really had an attraction to your husband you wouldn't need to FIND time for sex."

This statement couldn't BE more black and white.  In a marriage, there is a LOT of gray area.  It's hidden between the kids, laundry, mortgage, jobs, etc.  It's not just about finding time - it's about finding energy.  If you're constantly in a battle with your partner for control of energy, it's damn hard to find both time and desire for sex.  And Resentment is a huge energy suck - if you allow it in your life.

For the record: I find my husband extremely attractive.  He also irritates the piss out of me at times and when that happens, the act of him merely breathing can be unattractive.  I'm sure he could say the same about me.  We've been together for 12 years, after all.

Our marriage together is evolving and changing as much as we are each evolving and changing as individuals.  We have done a great job since this post was written accepting that concept.  We now take the time to communicate those changes and reconnect - and yes, with that brings more SEX.

I'll admit, some weeks are better than others.  But we are more aware now that the lapses in sex can be due to many factors.  He doesn't get insecure if it doesn't happen 2x a week.  It's not a sign that I don't want him or I'm not attracted to him.  It's a sign that we have other things going on that are taking more of a priority...and if we take the time to slow down, offer each other support and reconnect - well, sex happens.

I share this not to justify my marriage to some anonymous commenter.  But to offer hope for others out there struggling with this very issue.  And according to my traffic monitor, there are a lot of you.

Sincerely;

Ashlie

I am an organized person.  OK, I'll admit it.  My organization skills border on the line of anal.

Nay.  I'm WAY over that line.

When it comes to softball, I am uber organized.  I won't even bore you with the details.  But let's just say that I'm ON the details.  I like to be prepared.  Spreadsheets and lists are my friends.

Here's my dilemma...

I offered to run an all day softball skills clinic for the island of Aruba.

I thought, sure.  I've done softball clinics before.  I have a background in event planning.  This will be a piece of cake for me.  No worries.

Yeah - I seemed to have forgotten that Arubians are a laid back culture.  They aren't referred to as One Happy Island because they sweat the small stuff.  They truly are the nicest, happiest people I have encountered.  That's why I love it here.  I love not only the weather and the ocean, I also love the people.

But...

That small stuff that they don't sweat?

Dude, when planning something as large as an all day sports clinic IT"S ALL ABOUT THE SMALL STUFF!

Details.  Details.

Details like: How many girls will be attending?  Who will I have to assist me?  What equipment do we have available?

These details are all extremely instrumental in planning.  I can handle either a large or small group - as long as I can prepare in advance.  The proper way to run such a clinic is to split into drill stations.  And unless I develop a cloning machine between now and then, I cannot run 2 drill stations at a time myself.

Right now, we know there will probably be around 60 girls.  Ish.  Another TV spot is going on air today inviting more.  So, 60 more could sign up between now and tomorrow.  I'm willing to bet some girls don't sign up at all and just stroll in tomorrow morning.

And that help part?

I've been teaching "my" team, the one I've been helping for the last few years, how to run drill stations and what I hope to accomplish.  But, they're just kids.  They will be great assistants.  Someone knowledgeable NEEDS to lead these stations. It's too much to expect them to take the ball and run with it completely.

When I started getting put on TV to promote the clinic, we realized that this could get large FAST.  With the help of our close friends, we reached out to sponsors, hoping to bring back my husband and niece to help me.  They are the two people I can trust to run things my way.  Don't even get me started on my control issues.  Ahem.  My way is the right way: proper mechanics using proper kinesiology while keeping it fun.  No standing around.  Everyone is engaged and busy and learning.

Nothing happens quickly in Aruba when it comes to paperwork.  We know that.  We started the whole seeking sponsors process late because we hadn't even considered it as an option.  Then there was a holiday and the entire island shut down for the long weekend.  As the days have passed without an answer, I've been getting increasingly anxious.

It's come down to this...

I won't know until 11:30 this morning if my husband is on a flight out of Boston.  The clinic is at 9am tomorrow morning.  Oh, yeah.

Essentially, I cannot solidify my timeline and plans for the day until I know if he is on that flight.  Not only would I love for him to handle drill stations, but he has gathered additional equipment for me.  At this point, I NEED this equipment in order to pull off an organized and fully scalable clinic plan.

I'm in a holding pattern and it's killing me.  No one else seems worried about it.

Don't get me wrong.  I love softball.  I love that spark you can see when a young player GETS IT after I've taught them something.  It's priceless.

But...

I cannot wait to wake up on Sunday morning and be on vacation.  I really hope when I roll over, my husband is there beside me.  We can seek out a TV and watch covereage of a successful clinic.

My mantra until then: No worries.  No worries.  No worries.