Today is the 3 year anniversary of the death of my uncle. For me, his was the first death of a close family member. Sure, I’ve lost great grandparents and great aunts when I was a child, but I was so young I barely even have memories of them. I didn’t experience grief over them.

I think I lost a bit of innocence and naivety when we lost my uncle. It was the first time I truly experienced the physical feeling that grief leaves behind. I had always assumed that grief was a state of mind. I didn’t realize that you could actually feel weighted down by it. I also figured out that you can never really let go of grief. No matter how far you have gone to get through it, it can pull you back in an instant.

I’ve also learned that you can’t ignore grief and hope for it to go away…or else it will hit you like a ton of bricks when it is least convenient for you…like when Amazing Grace was playing at the chiropractor’s office months after his death and I spontaneously broke down and couldn’t breathe. You see, a family friend with the voice of an angel sang that at his funeral. To this day, I can NOT listen to that song. I even had to walk out of a church once when I heard it playing. I wonder if I ever will be able to listen to it again.

If my uncle hadn’t passed away when he did, I’m not sure that we would have conceived BamBam. We had to travel to his funeral in Missouri. It was the only reason THE Daddy and I were even *ahem* sleeping in the same state. He was supposed to be traveling for work.

I remember a conversation with my cousin after the funeral. She was regretting not naming her youngest, a boy, after her father. I promised her that when we had another, we would use his name. It didn’t take long for me to fulfill that promise. We announced at Christmas that I was pregnant. It wasn’t a huge shocker weeks later when we found out we were having a boy.

I had a difficult pregnancy with BamBam. I experienced bleeding and contractions at about week 24. I ended up on bed rest for 9 weeks and gave birth to BamBam 5 weeks before his due date. I had 12 visits to the hospital prior to his birth. During one of these visits, I had an unusual experience. My Grammy had just passed away. She was my father and uncle’s mother. The doctors couldn’t stop the contractions. They decided to give me morphine and put me to sleep for the night. I remember seeing both my Grammy and my uncle standing on either side of me while I slipped off to sleep. They were standing by my head and each had a hand on my shoulder. I could feel their hands. I felt safe and knew that everything was going to turn out fine.

Everything did turn out fine. Despite BamBam’s early delivery, he was a healthy and happy little baby. He has a look that reminds me of my uncle at times. I have failed to capture it on camera. It’s fitting that he is a feisty little boy and loves to be the center of attention. He lives up to his name well.

We have a picture of my uncle hanging at our bar. It is a copy of an oil painting that he did of himself about 25 years ago. He looks young and is smiling. It’s fitting to hang it by the bar. He was a huge Jack Daniels fan, a Tennessee Squire even.  He always had a glass with Jack on the rocks when he got home from working long hours at his catering company, As You Like It. He loved to entertain. He bought his inner circle Polar Bear Cocktail Shakers. He named them all “Fang”. Fang has bit all of us who knew and loved him at some point in time.

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been 3 years. Sometimes if feels like it was just yesterday. But then I look at 2 year old BamBam and can see how this whole “circle of life” thing works. Pretty amazing.

We are planning to end our evening shaking up a few drinks with Fang and toasting to my uncle. Feel free to join us by pouring yourself a Jack on the rocks for a night cap.

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