Have I mentioned that the book What Got You Here Won't Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful by Marshall Goldsmith quite possibly saved my marriage? It has come up a few times recently within my comments on a few of my favorite blogs, so I thought I’d share “the how”.

You see, my husband has always had a little temper tantrum issue. His entire family goes crazy ape shit verbal when they get angry. They act like a bunch of 2 year olds. I also like to refer to them as “barking dogs” because…as those of you with dogs know…when a dog starts barking, they lose all sense of reality and can’t be calmed down easily unless you yell over them (or zap them with a shock collar…do they make those for husbands?!). Their bark makes them deaf. Trying to reason with them rationally during a barking episode absolutely does NOT work!

Anyhow, we’ve been together for over 10 years now, so I’ve been lucky enough to be on the receiving end of a few of said tantrums. They were getting increasingly worse and closer together in duration a couple of years ago. Work was extremely stressful, we had recently purchased our first real house, and just had BamBam after an extremely complicated pregnancy. He was in the middle of a project for work and couldn’t stay home with me for our planned post-baby time because he had spent so much time with me at the hospital leading up to a 5 week early delivery. Blah, blah, blah.

He handled himself in a manner which a lot of guys do when put under pressure…and lost all ability to deal with life in an adult manner. He got so self-absorbed that he couldn’t see how miserable he was making everyone around him.

I was getting extremely frustrated with him and just pulled myself into my mommy cocoon…just getting in a shower while trying to raise 2 little ones was a major accomplishment each day. I didn’t have the time or energy to try to raise him as well.  We kind of just co-existed.

During this time, we had a few good fights. One day I just up and left. I was still breastfeeding 3 month old BamBam, so I didn’t plan to go away for long. Just long enough to scare him. I didn’t really have a plan when I drove away…but I ended up at my Grammy’s grave site for the first time.

My Grammy passed away about a month before BamBam was born. When she passed away, I was on drugs to stop contractions. The primary use for the drugs is for anxiety. Needless to say, I got through her death and funeral with my grief sitting across the room. That day at her gravesite, I just sat there and cried.

I wish I could say that was our last real big fight, but it wasn’t. Our biggest fight took place a short while later on Christmas day that year. I was on the phone with my father when my husband started going off on me about some crime I had committed unbeknownst to me. He actually called me a bitch. Oh, yes. He did. On Christmas.  My dad was on the phone.  Not good. We promised each other “til death do us part”…and I can tell you, he was dangerously close to finding out just what that meant;)

This is where I need to defend my husband and tell you that he isn’t a complete asshole…he just played one for a short while. He really loves us and was horrified when it finally sank in how heinous his behavior was. He always apologized after his tantrums, but even more important, it was clear that he didn’t want to be an asshole.

Right around that time, it got to the point that my husband had to see a “career coach” for work. His little temper tantrums started happening at work, shocker. He is the department head for a construction department within a restaurant group. They tend to be a crass group, those construction boys…so swearing at each other is completely kosher. Apparently, he crossed the line a few times and the company called him on it during his yearly review.

My husband is like most men in that he would never go for marriage counseling. However, the term “career coach” is a great way of making counseling seem like it’s a work thing...coach = sports = manly = OK.

His coach was an older woman. She basically told him everything that I had already been telling him. That he needed to manage his time better…and communicate more effectively with everyone around him, especially his wife. Doing so would decrease his frustration level…and thus his tantrums. He needed to apologize and mean it.  She got paid an obscene amount of money to tell him all of this. A little light went off that everyone around him is not stupid or out to make his life miserable…and his “this is the way I am…deal with it” approach to life just wasn’t going to cut it.

Her advice worked in the short term. But it didn’t really give him the skills that he needed to change his behavior in the long term. His tantrums were less severe, fewer and further between, but he still didn’t fully GET IT.

Then I found What Got You Here Won’t Get You There. It’s an extremely well written book. The author is a man and his target audience is men.  It’s like…Dr. Phil for men about their relationships at work...Communication for Dummies. It breaks down different communication glitches, tells men how to get over themselves and see how their behavior affects those around them…and also how to change said behavior….all in the context of the work environment.

A little secret between us women: if you improve the way someone communicates at work, it will help significantly at home. I think a few of the light bulbs that went off over his head were so bright that they actually exploded.

He is now thriving at work. He leads by example. He’s been given 2 raises and 2 significant bonuses since.  He's made a few friends in unlikely places.  He doesn't engage in behavior that will fuel his frustration.

More importantly, he is much better at communicating with his family. He isn’t always perfect…how many of us can claim to be? It makes me laugh when he recognizes his prior past behavior in our friends...and offers advice that helps them communicate better with their wives, go figure.

We had a conversation yesterday that reminded me just how far my husband has come…and just how very much I *heart* Marshall Goldsmith for saving our marriage.

Here’s an example using a conversation that we had yesterday:

After finding out we got 4 tickets for Pats vs Jets this Sunday (score!)…I was a little excited. He asked one of my best friend’s husbands if they wanted to go. Did I say that I was a little excited?? He was working with my friend’s husband, who said he'd check with the Mrs. and get back to us soon. Much later in the day, I knew he was on his way to pick up BamBam after work. I called him on his cell.

Here’s how it would have played out prior to Marshall:

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

Me: Hey, babe. Thought I’d catch you on the road…just checking to see if Laurel and David wanted to go to the game with us.

Him: God Damn it! You just made me lose a call. Fuck! I told you I’d call you once I heard from them. (yelling) DON’T CALL ME!

Me: UH, Sorry. I thought I’d catch you while you were on the road and could talk.

Him: I am WORKING. I just lost the call…Damn IT…I don’t have time for this shit! Couldn’t you wait until we got home?! You’re so annoying.

Me: (crossed the line from somewhat sorry to downright pissed off) Screw you! Don’t answer the phone if you don’t want to talk to me. You have caller ID…and don’t talk to me like that. (holding back calling him a JACKASS…I have restraint afterall)

I then would hang up and truly would NOT called him the rest of the week…or longer…even if I really needed to talk to him about something important…just to prove a point that he can’t talk to me that way. I’d be pissy long after he apologizes for being a jackass…and, he SO doesn’t *wink* get any *wink* for a long time.

OK, now here’s what actually happened yesterday:

Me: Hey, babe. Thought I’d catch you on the road…just checking to see if Laurel and David wanted to go to the game with us.

Him: God Damn it! You just made me lose a call. Fuck! I told you I’d call you once I heard from them. Please don’t bother me right now.

I hung up the phone without saying a word.

He called back immediately.

Him: I’m sorry I yelled at you. My phone is acting up and I lost the call I was on when yours came through. I need to get a new phone.

Me: OK. Sorry to bother you…I thought you were on the road already to pick up BamBam.

Him: I am on the road, but I had to make a few calls while driving. Why are you calling…I told you I’d call you when I found out…that’s annoying. You know I have a busy week this week.

Me: Fine. I’ll talk to you later. Sorry to bother you.

Him: Why are you being so pissy? I said sorry.

Me: Yes, but then you proceeded to justify WHY I was so annoying that you had to yell at me. If someone is kicking you in the shin and says “sorry” while still kicking you in the shin, it’s kind of hard to accept their apology (thanks, Dr. Phil for that one!)

Him: (Pause) You’re right. I had no right to yell at you. I’m sorry. I’m overwhelmed this week and I obviously need to get a new phone. It dropped my call when you called in. I haven’t heard from them yet. Let’s talk when we get home, OK? I love you.

Me: OK. Love you too. See you at home.

(harps playing in background…no anger festering…still desire to *ahem* get some in the near future)

I know that it took courage for my husband to take a hard look in the mirror and admit that he needed to change. I am so grateful that I found Marshall Goldsmith’s book when I did. I would love to meet him someday and thank him. For now, the best I can do is tell all of you about his book. It’s a sneaky way of sending your guy for a little therapy…and it would make a great stocking stuffer.

Two years ago, my husband was definitely on the naughty list. He’s soooo on the nice list this year. Which list is yourspouse on this year?

How about you?

Do share.

Oh, and if you missed the link above…buy What Got You Here Won't Get You There.

(disclaimer: yep, I might actually earn a couple of pennies if you click on the link and buy something at amazon.  i'm using my associate's link.  i'm NOT getting paid to review this book)