THE Mommy
Marriage isn’t easy, especially in today’s world. A world when at least half of all marriages end in divorce. It’s as if society says that an easy out is OK. Perhaps going into marriage, people don’t think through things fully and marry the wrong person, or it’s the right person but they marry for the wrong reasons; all the while knowing that they have this easy out if they need it. My own sister has been divorced, twice. I am surrounded by friends who have made this choice and a few who have had it made for them. My husband and I half-joke each time we hear of another divorce that the odds of us staying together just increased, statistically speaking.
I am a product of divorced parents. They were high school sweethearts and my mom found herself pregnant during sophomore year of college. They married. It’s what you did back then. They were so young, just kids themselves. I think my dad always resented being tied down and blamed my mom. He’s always been a free spirit. Gee, wonder where I get it? They separated my senior year of high school, had a nauseating brief reunion which involved them acting like horny teenagers, ICK, followed by my dad leaving for good on their 22nd wedding anniversary. He took a transfer to South Carolina and has never looked back. I always found it ironic that he chose that day in particular to literally drive away. I knew it was coming eventually, but I still remember the numbness I felt after he stopped by my apartment on his way out.
Many years removed from my parents’ divorce, I am happy for them. They have both found love elsewhere. My mom has been married for years now and my dad is about to tie the knot in 2 weeks. They are much happier and fulfilled people than when they were together.
My husband and I discussed the ‘til death do us part of our vows at great length before committing to marriage. His parents have been together for almost 40 years. They sometimes bicker like little kids, but there is a lot of love there. More importantly, there is a commitment to each other. They are literally growing old together. My husband can see clearly the difference between his family and mine. He can see the scars left by divorce, even though they have faded throughout the years. We agreed that we would not get married unless we meant the death clause of the vows. We discussed expectations for our marriage up front, such as absolutely no cheating or lying, and brainstormed generalities on how we want to raise our kids, etc. We’re able to joke about methods which one of our deaths might occur, especially when we get frustrated with each other. It’s a reminder of our vows to remain committed to each other, even when times get tough.
We’ve only been married for 7 years, but it’s enough to look back and see a clear ebb and flow pattern to our marriage. We have moments when we feel so very close and couldn’t be more on the same page. It’s as if we’re reading the same book while spooned together. Other times, we can’t seem to agree on which book we’re reading, never mind which language it is written. We push each other away and feel oceans apart. Usually, he uses his words to push and I use my actions to retreat.
Like the waves in an ocean, the ebb times immediately follow the flow. Almost to the point of me taking pause when things are going well because I fear what’s coming next. I’m secretly holding my breath waiting for it to all go south. It doesn’t take a major issue, something as simple as dirty dishes left on the counter can be the trigger.
How can it be that the person who is supposed to love you most in this world can also tear you down in 2.2 seconds and make you feel so damn inadequate? After they’ve obviously spent time collecting your faults in order to throw them in your face? How are you supposed to feel close to them again after they’ve torn you open, leaving you with your heart and soul exposed and vulnerable? I know it can happen. I’ve been on both sides. We’ve found our way back before.
Right now, I’m on this side of the ocean and I have no idea how to cross to get to his side. I’m too damn tired to build a boat. He clipped my wings when he tore me down, so I can’t fly over. It’s as if each time this happens, the bridge between us loses a section and it gets harder to cross. It’s pretty damn cold and lonely over here, but I had better find a way to build a fire and get comfy. It seems like I might be here for a while.
I can see clearer how some people choose the short term, quick fix solution and get a divorce. I do understand their mindset, but I’m not willing to go there. I’m committed to the long term. I love my husband and our lives together, even when he is frustrating and insensitive. He is a generous, passionate person, a great father to our children.
It’s just that this ebb and flow thing within our marriage, it’s not easy. I guess that’s true of the best things in life.
Reader Comments (2)
You are a strong person. I admire that. I'm trying to be, and it is hard as hell. I'm good at a lot of things. Marriage is not one of them. Luckily, my love for my kid and desire to give him as complete a family as possible has kept me from making rash decisions about my relationship.
You do know the number one reason for divorce is marriage, right?
ha!
There's a book called The Ship That Sailed into the Living Room that's a pretty interesting read. Now, it is written about a lesbian relationship, but if you can read it looking at the larger view of all relationships, it really helps to look at things we believe in relationships and why they may not work for us.