"Sex alone shouldn't be the determining factor of whether or not I like him. Fucker."

Well that's certainly true!

This must have been hard to write. You are not a bad wife, for sure! Every married couple goes through "off" times like this.

I would say (and I know the musical bed deal) to go ahead and lock the door until you're, um, finished. If a little person knocks, you get up and let them in, but there's no harm in locking it.

I've actually got something to recommend, but I'll email you.

[Ashlie]
Amy, THANK YOU :)
Ordering online today.

Okay, hon. I think you might think about seeing a counselor. Believing intimacy is the way to be shown you are loved it not a healthy thing - at least I don't think it is. If you are doing everything except having sex with him, you are being a loving wife. He needs to chill out. In a big way. My hubby and I have dry spells where we'll go two months, but that doesn't mean we don't love each other: it means we have a kid, we're tired, his blood sugar is wonky, we're sick, etc. He should not guilt you into wanting to sleep with him, because that isn't a way to make you feel secure or desired. It makes it seem like he's using you, right? I hope you work it out. And, I would seriously consider a counselor. My marriage certainly isn't perfect - far from it, but you have to be on the same page.

[Ashlie]
Thanks, Holly.
Guilt definitely isn't sexy. I can say that I've have never once slept with him out of guilt. I know people in completely shitty marriages who have amazing sex. I've never understood being able to separate the two. I'm just not that type of person. My lack of mojo is a symptom of stress that we need to address. Some of it is out of my control, like hormones, but I do own part of it, as does he. Luckily, there is a lot of love here and we're both willing to figure out a solution.

Brave post. But I think you and about 15 million other parents deal with the same thing at one time or another. My husband and I certainly don't get it on like the old days before kids either. Being a parent is tiring. And tougher for women to turn on the switch.

{Ashlie]
I do have a problem switching hats. There are so many of them to wear as a Mom. Dads don't seem to have as many and they can switch rather easily. Not fair;)

Ouch, that slap hurt! Mommy, how did you read my mind? As soon as I can get those images out of you out of my 12-year-old immature head, I will try to act like more like a slightly more wise 18 year old instead!

You are NOT a W3. And your relationship can’t be judged on many times is “normal”. However, You & hubby are going through a very typical couple situation when life, kids, work, school, house, dogs etc takes precedence over your relationship with each other. It is very common, but if left unchecked, it can be very dangerous.

My wife #1 could have written your post. Same situation, as I became more frustrated, she became more withdrawn. It turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Changing this is work on both your parts, and is not easy. It will take more than a few paragraphs of blog to fix, but it can be done. With Mrs Rufus, (Wife #2) we went to Imago Relationship Therapy one week after we were married, Link to Imago Relationship Therapy. It helped a lot, even though I am constantly chastised for not loading the dishwasher properly, every day Mrs Rufus reaffirms what she treasures about me.

Once you get back the love & appreciation for each other you had BC (Before Children), your Mojo, desire and the BIG ‘O' (or should we say O's) will come naturally!

We are here if you need us,

Love,

Rufus

[Ashlie]
Oh, Rufus! I knew you couldn't resist reading on.
Thanks for the encouragement. I also spoke with Mrs. Firefly at length. I hope Jake can get over the privacy issue a bit to listen to your advice. I don't want to be his starter wife;) Seriously, I think we're both willing to do the work...writing the post was just the first step to open the lines of communication instead of yelling, or dancing around a purple elephant in the middle of the room.

We've been there. And now it's better. And sometime soon it will be worse again.

It's one of those unspoken, universal things, I think. I have a vague distrust for any married person who says that they have never had any concerns or issues about their sex life. That's just not natural.

My husband shared with me the fire/firefighter analogy, have you heard it? Basically, women and sex, it's like fire - they need exactly the right conditions, a certain amount of buildup, and sustained effort to get it going and keep it going. But not TOO much. Men are like firefighters; all they need is a fire.

Yeah, it sounds about right.

It has taken a LOT of talks, with a few rules (here, it's, "Don't start trying after 11:00," and "Don't just *ask* for sex, because it's too easy for me to say no. Go ahead and exert a little effort toward it." And, "I need more than 30 seconds' warning before you decide it's time to get it started."

Scheduling helped, too. Really. It sounds unromantic, but if we agree on Tuesday night, then I have that in my mind for the day - because otherwise I will literally just forget. Nothing personal, just too much else on my mind, and I'll forget. But if I know, "OK, Tuesday, we have a doctor's appt at 1, pick up Jacob at 3:30, spaghetti for dinner, and sex after the kids go to bed," then I'll be ready and willing. This required having a frank and somewhat uncomfortable discussion about, seriously, HOW OFTEN? I needed to know what frequency he found minimally acceptable so that I could plan accordingly, because it does require a certain amount of mental preparation for me. He decided that at least twice a week would be OK with him, so we aimed for twice a week.

Now, with trying to conceive, all of that goes out the window, and we also have had some really positive, good conversations in recent weeks that have done a lot toward leaving me feeling more ready without warning. But still, it'll get worse again. It always does.

I think that sex is very important to any man. It really helps alot and helps keep his soul connected to his significant other. Lack of sex is pure hell. I am married ten years, (i 37 she 42) and with three beautiful childern( 3-7). I work part time as does my wife and we split house work 50/50ish. She is great and a wonderful sexy person whom I fell completely in love with her on our first date. BUT over the last couple of years ,our sex life had died a death completely. It is basically, just get on with it ( once a month if I'm lucky) and once its over, she will read a book. She is there but she doesn't get invloved. We have discussed this and it is case of lump it or like it. So what does a man do?

It feels to me that she is with me but would prefer to be some wherelse or is disapponted with how life has turned out or would perfer to be anywhere but here or something like that...............

Women say that sex isn't everyting but form a man point of view it does mean alot...!

Wow... you sound just like my wife. I hate the fact that she doesn't want sex...ever. Once a month... 6 times a year maybe... it sucks.

I believe my wife keeps score. She reminds me of all the stuff she does around the house. I finance everything. She likes to keep score and stress over everything. Sometimes at the end of the day you just got to let go and make time for your partner.

I can't add much to your blog but I can tell you I feel your husband's frustration.

Thought I should add a few thoughts since this has become one of the most read MommyCosm posts and I am still getting comments almost 6 months later...

In most cases, I've found that lack of sexual desire is a symptom of a bigger issue for the women. Usually, they are feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated. And it is not usually a conscious, passive aggressive decision NOT to have sex. Although a lot of men believe otherwise. Let it go, guys, she's (probably) not trying to be malicious.

There are many ways to increase libido, including diet and exercise...but I've found that a little respect and help around the house work just as well. Men, don't wait for your wife to ask for help. And don't just help once in order to get something in return. "I did the dishes, now do ME" is SO not sexy.

Read The Noticer by Andy Andrews and really pay attention to the part about the 4 ways that people communicate.

Stop and ask yourself how you can be a better spouse instead of focusing on what you want from your spouse.

Picture walking into a room full of people, including your spouse. IF your spouse isn't the one with the biggest smile, happiest to see you - you probably have something to work on. IF you aren't legitimately happy to see your spouse - you probably have something to work on. You promised to be together "'til death do us part" - you choose how you want to live out that vow, making each other miserable, or happily spending that time with your best friend.

For me, I didn't just want to figure out how to tolerate sex a couple of times a week to please my husband...I wanted to WANT sex again so that we could both be happy. We struggle to make time some weeks, but overall, I would say that we're much better with keeping each other balanced in other areas of our marriage so that we want to be together. Not only is our sex life better, but communication and respect are much better as well. We're on the same page, reading the same book most often. And when we're not, we're quick to stop and communicate before things spiral out of control.

Oh, and in basic terms, 2x per week is an ideal week for us.

Good luck - this seems to be an issue in most marriages.

Okay, if anyone has some advice for my situation I'm all ears. My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have three beautiful children and a strong relationship - we make each other laugh and truly enjoy spending time with one another.

To understand my situation I need to backtrack 5 years. We lived in CT 5 years ago and while I was in marital bliss my wife was not. I honestly, thought we had the perfect marriage but I found her cheating on me with a 20 year old boy and it destroyed me. We have such a strong friendship and really love each other and I couldn't grasp why someone would do something like that without some kind of warning. Of course kids are stressful, people get older and and worry about losing their youth, we worked a lot plus I was going to school in the evening but I would have adjusted our life styles if I knew something was wrong. She started losing a lot of weight (looked fantastic) and started hanging out with women at work and before you knew it she was having sex in our minivan in my kid's school parking lot -ok, you heard the worst of it - I'm not trying to vilify her but needless to say I was really hurt.

Our sex life was always very good but very sporadic. She never seemed to be in the mode and didn't want to push like a prick but she knew it was an area of contention. The crazy thing is I don't think she didn't cheat on me for sexual reasons so it had to be for emotional reasons.

Long story short - we had three children and I worked like hell to save the marriage. I came from a broken family and I didn't want to do that to my children. I want lie - I love her very much but if it hadn't been for the kids I would have left in a second.

Her and I decided that we had to leave CT to make the marriage work and start again. Again, I didn't want to move but she couldn't deal with seeing my friends and family and her coworkers (it's a small town). I agreed to move so we quit our jobs, sold our house and moved to the beaches of North Carolina.

Estranged in NC - here I am in 5 years later. We get to NC and I decide to start my own business from home (so I can be around the family more). I take care of the kids, do the housecleaning, cook the meals, I'm at my families beck and call 24 hours a day. Again, I don't mind, I love my kids and wife but I can't help having some resentment. My wife works for a company here in town and its a great job. I try to be very supportive of her career. She constantly tells me how much she loves me being at home but honestly I'm resentful. I feel like I've given up all of myself to make this work and I'm questioning if it was worth it. I've left a house I loved, a great paying job, all of my family and friends and I sit in the house alone waiting for my kids or wife to come home so I have someone to talk to. The economy went sour last year and the small business I started is not going to work long term so I'm pursuing an on-line degree from home but again I feel trapped.

The final straw for me is our sex life. As I've said we really are good friends and I enjoy our sex life but we have sex once a month. I've rleayed to her for 15 years that I find this too seldom and she agrees but it seems like TIVO is more important than making 15 minutes for me 2 or 3 times a week.

The end of the story - I'm 39, decent looking, intelligent, hard working, caring, a good husband and father and I wonder if I deserve more. Life is so short and I don't want to be selfish but should I go around everyday thinking I wish I had friends, I wish I lived in CT, I wish I could see my sisters. Am I being a typical selfish male?

Frustrated and Borderline Angry;

I wish you had left your email address so that I could respond personally. I hope you check back.

My .02, for what it is worth. For starters, I give you HUGE kudos for forgiving your wife for her infidelity.

That being said. I'm realizing there is no magic number of times for married couples to have sex. It can be once a year or once a day, but if one person is not feeling as if there needs are being met, there needs to be a conversation.

Forgive my crassness, but I'm thinking that if your wife magically started putting out daily, you still would not be happy. Not because you are a selfish male. Hardly. More because your emotional needs are not being met.

Kids are not as naive as we think. They pick up on the vibe of an unhappy parent. Coming from a background of parents who stayed together for the kids, I believe that it's better to see their parents divorced and living happy, full lives than unhappily staying in the marriage. I'm not saying it is an easy decision and I don't know you personally to say if this should be your choice. I just know that if I ever got to a brick wall in my marriage, or if my husband ever cheated, I would not stay in an unhappy situation just "for the kids."

We started reviewing "The Us Factor" but life has gotten in the way of finishing it. If you would be interested in trying it out after we are finished and my cousin borrows it, I can send it to you. I've found it very helpful in opening the door to discussions about difficult topics.

Good luck.

Ashlie

Frustrated and Borderline Angry;

I am sorry to hear the trouble you have been through. I think you may want to go into counseling for this matter, before you make any irrational decisions. After that you can make the decision whether to stay in NC or move back to CT. You have to remember if your not happy with your life then you need to go where your heart lights. Forget the saying about the "KIDS" and put yourself first because if your not "LIVING then why work so hard for all that you have?

Patience Grasshopper,

Mr. Green

Frustrated and Borderline angry:

Your story totally hit home as my wife and I are going through a similar situation. It has been four months since I found out she was unhappy and three months since I learned of her affair. We have two kids, 6 & 8 and that is the main reason u didn't act emotionally and leave. The hysterical bonding phase is ending and we are trying to reach a good balance/compromise on sex. It looks like every 3 days is about our norm now. I must say that it takes a great deal of effort for us to accomplish this. She is a night owl and I am an early riser. Also, the demands of the children can be distracting. As I still battle to get over the hurt of her infidelity, my need for regular intimacy is intense. Using guilt or whining was not a good long term solution so I took another approach. A lot of communication followed by much move involvment in the home. I now shop for groceries, cook most of the meals, do the dishes most nights, and generally help clean the house. I want to melt away her resentment and make her feel good. She clearly associates my consistent efforts around the home with my feelings towards her.

We are not out of the woods yet but have many more good days then bad. I am trying to create the right mood for sex. It isn't always easy and doesn't always worked as planned but it is alot better.

This sounds so familiar. Im 26, hubby 32 we work full time opposite shifts and have a 2 1/2 yr old. I do all the houswork, laundry, dishes, cooking, groceries, I take off the trash which includes taking it from inside to outside and to the dump. I also do all the outside work like mowing the grass, weedeating, I have unloaded a HALF A TON (that is 1000 lbs) of gravel BY MYSELF last year. I pay the mortgage, phone bills, and provide all the health insurance. I feed and take care of the dogs. I often get stuck giving him what tiny bit of money I have left over because he's blown all his. Our house just got broken into and trashed and expensive things stolen totalling 8200.00 worth of damages and theft....insurance check came...he gave me 500 of it. He already spent 2 grand JUST THIS AFTERNOON! Anyways....he never helps me do anything at home...and I mean never. I waited a whole year for him to hang a picture up for me as I wasnt tall enough....finally I just did it myself. He is constantly demanding sex from me....puts me down degrades me...tells me what a bitch I am ...every single chance he gets. Tells me Im doing it on purpose so that I can be a control freak. i work 2nd shift...I am a nurse and I work about 5 to 6 nights a week...he works m thru f and is almost done with a class that he has been taking which I paid for! Got no thanks for that either. He tells me Im not normal, somethings wrong. I get sooooo sick of this! It wasnt like this before I had my son.....and it got 10x worse once we said I do. I have regretted getting married since the day I was stupid enough to do it. Regardless...I will never ever ever ever ever under any circumstance remarry if this one ever ends. I dont think he knows the meaning of fatigue! I get up in the am, clean up chase my toddler...go to work for 8 hours...which can easily turn into 16 hours if someone on third shift calls in and I get stuck...so then that puts me at being up over 24 hrs....anyhow.....when I finally get home between 1130pm and midnight.....my house is turned upside down.....toys clothes and a million other things are all over the place....dirty dishes laying around....drink bottles, ..you name it.....and he is sometimes asleep...which leaves me to reclean the mess.....so Im lucky to get in bed by 2 or 3 am......sleep and back up at around 8...sometimes 9. And he expects sex? OMG...are you kidding me?????? I get the emotional beatdown daily, financial stress, marriage bullshit, work bullshit, and of course motherhood. Men just need to get a freakin clue! Suck up their pride and realize that married or not...kiids or not...its not JUST about you and your one eyed brains.

I don't understand why it always comes down to blaming ONE person, men and women are not meant to be the best of friends that spend every moment together, BOTH desperately need a life outside of family, even if it's only for a night or two a week. Get over this 'he/she doesn't appreciate me,' because it's a load of crap, human beings are SELFISH, SHORT-SIGHTED MORONS, and we're all that way. I'm generalizing here, but in the standard one works one stays home type relationship, both will feel that they do the important part and that the other has it 'easier.' You're both right and wrong, and when it comes to sex, women have it easy, if they're not in the mood, they can just say 'let's go, but hurry it up, I'm not in the mood,' but instead of a five minute sacrifice, it's 'if I'm not in the mood, it's not happening.' Same with the guys, just different end of the spectrum, if you can't spend ten or fifteen minutes actually making her WANT sex, then don't expect any quickies just because you're horny. Long story short: LADIES: just blow or fuck him from time to time, even if you don't wanna. GUYS: eat a little pussy, spend a little time complimenting her (we're all compliment whores, and women are actually wired to need that affirmation), and pretend that your boss isn't ass obnoxious as your kids (I don't have to pretend, kids are FULL of energy, and no boss will ever have you wiping poop off of things (unless your job suck, but that's your own fault; stay in school janitor)).

I second his nomination for you being the W3. What you are forgetting is when you are taking care of the family he is taking care of business. I'm sure he has 50 balls in the air not trying to drop them also. The worst thing you can do to a man is deny him sex. Its the biggest slap in the face if you love him then you should share your love with him by having sex more often. I know with you females its not all about the sex but if he is not getting it from you soon enough he will start looking for it some where else. That I can promise you. Hope this opened your eyes to what WILL happen.

good luck
Corey

Yeah, so...I had to respond to Corey. Can't resist.

First of all, showing and giving love in a relationship does not need to equal sex. The whole "men need sex" argument is ridiculous. The worst thing you can do to a woman is undermine her confidence and treat her with disrespect. The heart of our issues started there. My desire for sex directly correlates to the level or respect I am shown in our relationship. Now that we have addressed other issues, the sex issue isn't nearly as big of a deal. Sure, there will always be spans of time that go by without sex - due to life with kids and crazy work schedules. But I don't think we'll ever get to the low point of me not wanting to have sex again.

AND, not all men go elsewhere when their marriage is lacking in one area. My husband was man enough to look at our relationship and see where we each could improve. I know for a fact that he would never allow us to disconnect to the point that he would ever cheat. Cheating is the lazy way out for cowards not willing to take responsibility for their actions.

I hope YOU remember that when you're feeling a little deprived of sex and start looking for solutions outside of your marriage. Be a man and deal with the issues in your marriage before it could ever get to that point. You either leave your marriage altogether or you commit to working on your marriage. Cheating should never be an option.

You're all clueless - trust me if you are denying your husband (one time you would have called him your lover) sex then 100% guaranteed he is wishing, hoping, trying, or actually having sex with someone else. If he is a good man he will try hard to mend the emotional aspects of the relationship but in the back of his mind he is thinking of who or how he can get sex elsewhere. And yes men do need sex - put a camera in your bathroom - if you're not giving it up then he's getting his release alone and there is no man that would rather masterbate than be intimate with a woman he is attracted to. So look in the mirror and ask yourself if you're meeting your husbands half way. No one is denying how hard it is to raise children, but working 11 hours a day to provide for your family has it's stresses too, then to come home and help out and contribute domestically but still be denied love and intimacy is a recipe for disaster. And just because he stays put (for the kids) now don't think he will when Johnny and Sally are grown up and in college. He'll have stature, looks and find a 40 year old divorcee who now understands how to make a marriage work. Sure scream at me that I a sexist pig that your husband is different...your clueless.

I never ever post but here goes. My wife is rad. Darn cute for 38 (i'm 37), funny, hard working (not at all lazy), relatively low maintenance, all that. She's basically my best friend (or as much as a girl could be for a dude). We have a 1 and 3 yr old. She takes care of them and and the house and I bring in all the dough and manage all the $. We share duties when I get home (I'm not lazy - i cook, clean, play with the kids). I'm simplifying a lot here but that's the basics. We generally enjoy each other's company and I genuinely think she loves me too, actually I know she loves me. I can't even imagine divorcing and am determined not to. It sounds like the hugest nightmare ever not to mention I love her and the kids - my parents are still together and I love that.

But, yep, here it is, sex is a problem. I'm in shape and relatively athletic and relatively viral (trust me, the purpose of this post is not to pat myself on the back but to get some feedback from, preferably, women) and really really want to remain in shape and, well, like an actual man with actual testosterone etc. And without regular sex that's really hard to do. And right now it's happening once every 3ish weeks (we've gone as long as like 6 weeks). Before kids it was pretty much twice a week, which is perfect. i'm not a sex freak, i don't need nor really want more than that. But her libido is just so low. She NEVER EVER initiates it (except a couple times a year basically out of pure guilt i think). Even though we get a sitter approx once/wk afterwards she usually is in bed with nothing on (she sleeps naked, which I find unsexy, I've asked for her to "spice it up" with like underwear or SOMETHING but other than like my birthday, nothing) and falls asleep like a baby - in literally seconds. She has some amazing special power with falling asleep - I mean its usually like 45 seconds.

The kids are a lot of work right now no doubt, for both of us but especially her. But I can't go on masterbating like ALL the time just to keep from going crazy. I am willing to get creative here and not interested in looking elsewhere but I'm starting to get worried about the long term. What happens in 5 or 7 years? I know she wants me to be happy but I feel like she almost doesn't have it in her. What the hell. It's so depressing.

Ideas? I'm really talking to the women out there. I mean other than the obvious like compliments about her looks, taking her out on dates, helping around the house.

Anonymous;

I understand where you are coming from far too well. As a women, I can say that you sound like a fabulous husband. I'm doubtful that your wife's lack of libido has anything to do with feeling disrespected. She may not even understand why her libido is low except to say that DAMN, she's exhausted.

One of my readers sent me a private email and recommended this book:

I know that it helped me realize my diet was really affecting my libido...and more importantly, my general energy. I know your wife is probably exhausted and cannot imagine exercising right now. For me, the energy I put IN to exercise comes back to me 3x. It's getting over that initial *blah* and finding something that I can realistically fit into my schedule and budget. It's stopping myself from reaching for those nasty feel-good carbs and comfort food. Poor diet and lack of movement, especially after having 2 babies so close in age, can destroy even the strongest pre-baby libido.

Also, if you come at it from an angle of "I miss being with you and I know you're exhausted. What can I do to help you want to be with me again?" instead of stressing the part that she's not meeting your sexual needs...well, same message, different delivery. For women, it's more about the delivery. I guarantee you if you come at it stressing your needs and her failures, you won't get anywhere.

And, I'm not a fan of porn. Let me just say that out loud. Some women are. I'm not. BUT, It can be difficult to switch hats from Mommy to Hot-Sexy-Wife-In-The-Mood. Very difficult. So, another reader recommended watching YouPorn for a couple of minutes to switch that hat and focus on sex. The woman. Not the man. The difficult thing is suggesting it to your wife - because I would have been really offended if my husband asked me to watch porn. I know, a bit prudish. BUT, I was already sensitive to the fact that I wasn't meeting his needs. I was threatened by the thought of him having anything to do with porn and watching other women. So, the suggestion coming from a female reader who had a similar situation - well, it was helpful. If the visual doesn't do it for her, google erotic short stories for a little inspiration.

Another thing. If she's willing and able to try harder to work on getting sex back into your lives more regularly...yet another brilliant reader suggested picking one night a week and designating it as sex night. I don't recommend scheduling it the same night as your date night though...too much pressure. I know it takes some of the romance out of it, but it's worth the sacrifice. Schedule it. Stick to it. Both do things to ensure the other will be in the mood that night. If that means spicing it up on her end, fine. If that means you washing the dishes after dinner or putting the kids to bed, fine. Work together to make it work.

Good luck.

Oops, somebody forgot to close their html tag when creating a book link above. Sorry about that.

Awesome advice. Really. Thanks. Exercise (and diet) is key for her, I know. I've never seen her come back from a run in anything but a great mood (even though she only does it like once a month nowadays). I do know that smart communication is key too - you get more bees with honey. I'll put my communication skills to the test regarding calendar and/or porn though - but I'm going to try. For a non-blogger I must say that the act of voicing my (major) issue (anonymously) and receiving genuinely helpful feedback was good all around. Thx again

As a husband of 28 + years I have to ask - when is he taking on some of 'your' responsibilities? Why must you do all the 'mommy' chores? Why can't it be PARENTS chores? CEO of the house can be exhausting! It's all day, everyday. A job site is often frustrating! We all find joy and relief from leaving the job site! He leaves work and comes home for relief. What does a 'house mommy' do when she NEVER leaves the job site? The frustrations are still there!
Share the load at home!

Next thing - I echo seeing a counselor. COMMUNICATION - the biggest problem in marriages and all relationships! Learn proper communication. NEVER assume you know what the other person is saying OR that they heard what you said! Verify - calmly, politely.

Give the children the 'Final Answer', turn, walk away. NEVER threaten. Be calm, tell them their consequences. Final answer, walk away. You hear noises/TV? When they come home the next day they find priviledges removed. Responsibilities and consequences.

Final Answer, walk away, lock your bedroom door, turn up the radio - - - enjoy each other. Sex? Every night? I'm still asleep and dreaming! Sex once a week? I'm still dreaming! Sex once a month? I'm still ***@#@##@** dreaming!!!! It's been over 18 months.

Best of luck for what works in your life.

From what I can tell you are only in the marriage for security. (Security isn't always financial)

Life is too short. Read between the lines and get out now. Will you be happy 10 years from now looking back? Haven't you already made up your mind that you're not going to change anything? None of this is your fault is it?????

If you really had an attraction to your husband you wouldn't need to FIND time for sex. Look at all the thought and time you put into this post... Life change isn't easy but you obviously need it. Release him and yourself so you can both find real love. You listed every excuse not to have sex with your husband but the real one...

you should ask him for a massage tell him you want to make love not just sex. ask him to whisper he loves you in your ear and he cant live without. gud luck

Thank you. Your blog summarises the row I had with my wife last night. If only I'd read it the day before, I would have tried a different approach, rather than "why don't you want to have sex with me any more?" She gave all the same sort of reasons as you do. I never knew any of this stuff before. Why don't they teach this in school? I love my wife very much, and desperately want to work out the right answer to staying together for the rest of our lives. I think you may have helped me to start on that.