Disclaimer: If you know Ashlie and Jake in real life, you might want to skip this post.  It's a bit personal.  It talks about sex.  And marriage.  And might be WAY more than you want to know about the two of us.

So, last January I was really struggling and wrote a post titled Lost Mojo or How often do married couples with kids have sex?  It was probably the most personal post I had written here at Mommycosm.  Surprisingly, it has been the post that generates the most long-term traffic as well.

You wouldn't believe how many hits the post gets in the wee hours of the morning - mostly men wondering why their wives have lost their mojo as well.  Some leave comments just to vent, others are seeking advice.  Some are in a similar situation to my marriage.  Others are dealing with issues way beyond my scope of understanding, such as infidelity.

I have taken the time over the past year to follow up within the comments.

I'm not sure that the latest anonymous person to comment actually read the stream of comments first.  I started to respond within the comments again, but realized that my response truly deserved it's own post.

The comment:

From what I can tell you are only in the marriage for security. (Security isn't always financial)

Life is too short. Read between the lines and get out now. Will you be happy 10 years from now looking back? Haven't you already made up your mind that you're not going to change anything? None of this is your fault is it?????

If you really had an attraction to your husband you wouldn't need to FIND time for sex. Look at all the thought and time you put into this post... Life change isn't easy but you obviously need it. Release him and yourself so you can both find real love. You listed every excuse not to have sex with your husband but the real one...

Yeah, anonymity allows people to skip the BS and just say what they think.  It also allows them to be both judge and jury, lol.

My response:

Dear Anonymous;

Your response is perfectly reasonable.  In fact, it may even explain why this post is the one that continues to provide the most long-term traffic here at Mommycosm.

Love and Marriage.  The love part is wonderful and intoxicating.  It's what drives us to Marriage.  But the Marriage part?  Well, it isn't always so easy.  Why?  Because as much as Marriage can bring two lives together, there are still two individuals involved.

You see, each person goes through their lives living the roles that they created for themselves.  Each and every day, each and every thing we go through changes us.  We carry pieces of our experiences around with us as we move forward through life.  Sometimes, especially when you have young children, the roles haven't been clearly defined.  Or perhaps due to necessity, the roles become less than ideal for one or both partners.  When that happens, Resentment can be carried around.  

Resentment is kryptonite for Mojo.

In the beginning of a marriage, it is natural to feel a strong connection and be on the exact same page.  As time goes by, circumstances change.  Our experiences might change us enough that one or both partners feels disconnected.

I truly believe that as long as there is love - a marriage can pull itself back from the rock bottom abyss of disconnect.  As long as both partners are willing to let go of Resentment and work to reconnect.

So, yes.  My marriage does provide security.  It is a great feeling to know that someone loves me and accepts me and wants to be with me in both the good and bad times.  But...it also provides a ton of love...both to give and receive.

When I wrote this post a year ago, I was equally as frustrated as my husband...and equally as willing to find a way to change and reconnect.  I wasn't trying to make excuses and I wasn't trying to place blame...although it may have come across that way at times.  You were only reading my version of the story. 

The lack of sex?  Like many problems in a marriage: It was neither of our faults.  On the other hand, it was both our faults.

Looking back, I KNOW I would not have been willing to go in search for my mojo and share this extremely personal situation if I simply was no longer attracted to my husband.  I would have walked away from my marriage in a much quieter and more personal manner.  Divorce isn’t taboo in my family.  In fact, I’m the only one in my immediate family to NOT have a divorce (or two) under my belt.  I am an independant and resourseful person - I can live without my husband.  I love him and would rather find a way to live happily with him.

When I wrote this, I was frustrated my husband didn't understand that it wasn't as black and white as "If you really had an attraction to your husband you wouldn't need to FIND time for sex."

This statement couldn't BE more black and white.  In a marriage, there is a LOT of gray area.  It's hidden between the kids, laundry, mortgage, jobs, etc.  It's not just about finding time - it's about finding energy.  If you're constantly in a battle with your partner for control of energy, it's damn hard to find both time and desire for sex.  And Resentment is a huge energy suck - if you allow it in your life.

For the record: I find my husband extremely attractive.  He also irritates the piss out of me at times and when that happens, the act of him merely breathing can be unattractive.  I'm sure he could say the same about me.  We've been together for 12 years, after all.

Our marriage together is evolving and changing as much as we are each evolving and changing as individuals.  We have done a great job since this post was written accepting that concept.  We now take the time to communicate those changes and reconnect - and yes, with that brings more SEX.

I'll admit, some weeks are better than others.  But we are more aware now that the lapses in sex can be due to many factors.  He doesn't get insecure if it doesn't happen 2x a week.  It's not a sign that I don't want him or I'm not attracted to him.  It's a sign that we have other things going on that are taking more of a priority...and if we take the time to slow down, offer each other support and reconnect - well, sex happens.

I share this not to justify my marriage to some anonymous commenter.  But to offer hope for others out there struggling with this very issue.  And according to my traffic monitor, there are a lot of you.

Sincerely;

Ashlie