Total Transformation Program: Lesson 3: Parenting Roles That Lead to Accountability
Monday, November 17, 2008 at 02:55PM 
Raising a child is a difficult task. Avoiding that task leads to ineffective parenting roles. In the past, we have discussed ineffective parenting roles.
In this lesson, James Lehman discusses the 3 effective parenting roles.
1) Training & Coaching Roles
2) Problem-Solving Roles
3) Limit-Setting Role
effective parenting = teaching skills and bringing about change while creating a culture of accountability
Beyond setting goals, it's about teaching the skills to reach the goal. An example he gives really resonates with the softball coach in me. When you're teaching someone to shooting hoops, you can't just hand them a ball and give them the goal to shoot 3 hoops in a row. You first have to teach them HOW TO hold the ball, set your feet, make the shot and follow through. You then need to practice, practice, practice.
He also says something interesting about therapy:
"You can't feel your way to better behavior, but you can behave your way to better feelings."
Just talking about your feelings does not teach them HOW to change. If you are thinking about therapy, please keep that in mind. You might get more for your money buying and trying The Total Transformation Program first.
In this lesson he stresses accountability.
It is all about expectations. Not just what you expect from the child, but what the child can expect from you. He brings up tantrums in small children. All 2 year old throw tantrums. The way you respond to respond to that tantrum will shape every tantrum they have going forward. Think about that for a minute. You have to respond in a way that teaches them that they are responsible for their behavior. If you give in, compromise or re-negotiate, you are going to continue to get temper tantrums.
Here is an outline of the 3 effective parenting roles covered in this lesson:
1) Training & Coaching
- Skill building, rehearsal and repetition
- Keep the child's eye on the prize
- Teach by example, utilize social skills in everyday life
- Understand the importance of skill rehearsal and repetition
- display responsible love and concern
- provide strategic help and solutions
- provide ideas for replacement and reciprocity
2) Problem-Solving
- understand the importance of problem solving as a process
- help child to identify goals and obstacles
- encourage exploration and experimentation
- recognize setbacks and failures as opportunities for life's learning experiences
- participate in mutual decision-making
- accept independence as a legitimate interest of adolescents
- set firm outer boundaries with fluid, flexible center
3) Limit-Setting
- establish and maintain parental authority
- task-oriented
- identify the parent as person you answer to
- expect progress with problems
- communicate belief in the child through expectations
- view behavior as a performance issue, not a moral issue
- understand importance of standards
- perceive compliance as a legitimate interest of parents
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What have I learned from this lesson?
In the past, when my son would hit my daughter:
- Time out on the "naughty chair" for 3 minutes.
- He had to apologize to his sister.
- He had to give her a hug.
He was often faced with back to back to back naughty seat visits. It wasn't solving the problem.
What is the problem?
He is frustrated and angry and is hitting his sister to express this anger.
Now?
- Separate the kids and make him sit for 1 minute while he cools down.
- We talk about why he got angry.
- We discuss what else he should do next time he gets angry, ie. use his words and/or walk away
- We practice using his words.
- He apologizes to his sister.
- He tells her why he got angry.
- He tells her how he will act differently next time.
Stay tuned for my review of Disc 4: 27 Tools to Change Your Child's Behavior Now
(Disclaimer: I did get sent this program for free. However, I promise to give my honest opinion about the program and will not gloss it over. Also, they will kick back an affiliate commission to me if someone actually buys the program after clicking through a link here at Mommycosm. Buy it if you want. Or don't. Doesn't hurt my feelings, 'kay?!)
Reader Comments (1)
Fantastic post. I like how you identified the old behavior that you used as discipline versus what changed. This course is fantastic for kids who are about 6 and up. I've published a great audio course geared towards parents of toddlers who are going through the terrible twos and beyond.
Excellent review.