Total Transformation Program: Lesson 4: 27 Tools to Change Your Child’s Behavior Now

In this lesson, James Lehman discusses 27 tools to change your child’s behavior now.  He describes these tools as practical, real-world techniques to bring about real change.  He suggests that parents take the tools and implement the concepts consistently.  

He also stresses that you cannot change another person.  Therefore, it is your job as a parent to utilitze these tools and teach your kids the skills they need to be accountable for their behavior.  However, change is the responsibility of the child.

Here are the tools, along with my notes:

1. ACCEPT NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE - Non-Negotiable
2. Use direct statements: Be firm, clear and direct.
3. Disconnect: Don’t argue. “I’m not talking to you when you’re doing xx.”  Walk away.
4. Stop the show: If in a public place, stop the show.  Go home.
5. Give consequences: You can bring a horse to water.  You can’t make him drink.  BUT you can make him thirsty.  Consequences are designed to make a kid thirsty.  Make sure that consequences are task oriented and time limited, not just time limited.    
6. Be an empowered parent: Don’t undermine the power you have.  Ask for help and reach out if you need it.  If your child has reached a point where your child is abusive, call the police.  They have the power to make them accountable in a way you cannot.
7. Use consequences to get honesty: Don’t attach a moral issue to lying.  Be matter of fact; lying is not OK.  Set consequences for lying.
8. Be clear about your values: Be consistent and clear about what you value in life materially, psychologically, functionally, morally and spiritually.  Talk about your values with your kids.
9. Think of your family as a business: Try to keep emotions out of the business of teaching your kids how to behave properly.  If you keep your emotions out of it, it is easier to maintain control.
10.  Identify Thinking Errors and Excuses: Don’t argue about the content of their excuses, focus on the process of excuses.  Kids justify their behavior instead of talking about the real problem.  For instance, “Blaming your brother does not make it OK to kick him”
11.  Use Single-Issue focus: Don’t let kids turn around the issue.  Plan to address unrelated subjects at a later time.  Keep focus.
12.  Use selective attention: Behaviors designed to get attention can be ignored if they are not abusive.  That will take away its power.  Pay attention to efforts to change and give positive attention. 
13.  Redirect interest: Switch the activity.  Redirect the conversation.  Motion can change emotion.  (This works well with my children!)
14.  Choose your fights carefully and WIN the ones you choose: Don’t get into every fight.  When you do choose to fight, you should always have a position that is explainable.  Don’t make speeches, but state your position.  Be firm and walk away.
15.  Cueing: Come up with a signal between you and your child that you can give during times of high stress.  It can be very helpful in public and/or when you have company.  Discuss this during a non-stressful time so that the child recognizes the cue when you need to give it.
16.  Use strategic recognition and affection: Always recognize what kids do right and give them credit for it.
17.  Harmless humor never hurts: Humor can ease tension, but keep in mind that sarcasm and biting humor do not help.
18.  Esteem: Show your child you hold them in high regard: Your tone and facial expressions around your child have to show them that you think they are worth it.  Kids get 60% of the message from the look on your face and 30% from your tone.  Your words only account for 10% of your message.
19.  Give basic direction: Don’t be afraid to guide and show your child how to do something.  It’s important to give them a head start.
20.  Demand and expect compliance: It’s important for parents to know what they are trying to accomplish and why.  Parents have a right to compliance with their kids.
21.  Transition time: Allow for transition times for both yourself and your child during stressful moments.  Talk about this during nice, calm moments.  Give yourselves a 10 minute buffer.
22.  Use responsible love and concern: Don’t let a kid get away with bad behavior for fear of not showing that you love your child.  You can love your child responsibly without allowing them to be disrespectful.
23.  Replacement and reciprocity: When asking a child to stop a behavior, have a replacement in mind.  Give them the next direction.  Replace one behavior with another.
24.  Don’t hold your breath: Don’t expect immediate compliance, appreciation, insight, acknowledgement, or credit.
25.  Act as if...: Even if you don’t agree with rules of people in authority, act as if you do.  It teaches your child to disrespect authority figures.  Share your real opinions for other adults.
26.  Be a role model: They learn more from what you do than what you say.  Acknowledge when you do something wrong, but don’t over apologize.  Own your mistakes.
27.  Realization: Be flexible.  If you realize that something isn’t working, try something else.  Inform your child that your view has changed without overly explaining. 

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How have I applied this lesson to my life?

Wow, this lesson was a bit overwhelming.  There is a LOT of really good advice.  I think the biggest thing that I immediately have taken out of it is not letting my emotions rule my behavior when setting consequences with my kids.  When I’m overwhelmed, I catch myself becoming a screamer and wondering wth I’m doing wrong.  I see their bad behavior as a reflection of me being a bad parent.

I’ve taken a step back, taken a deep breath and tried removing my emotions from the equation.  It’s going to take some practice, but it does seem to work better.  At a minimum, I’m not as angry or frustrated by bad behavior.  I’m starting to see it as an opportunity to teach my children how to act properly.

Tonight, I survived a trip to McDonalds without screaming.  Max was acting up, testing me every step of the way.  He wouldn't eat his food, wouldn't sit down, kept climbing under the table...and ended up hitting and biting me.  As his behavior deteriorated, he lost his Happy Meal toy, his book before bed and then had to go to bed when we got home at 6:00pm.  Each bad behavior resulted in another consequence.  I was clear, precise and didn’t waiver.

I gave him a kiss goodnight when I tucked him in, told him I loved him and that I would like to see him behave more respectfully tomorrow so that I can read him a book before bed.  He didn’t like it, not one bit, but there was no question why he was there and who was in charge.  Best of all, my blood didn’t boil and I didn’t have thoughts of duct taping my 3 year old to a seat until he turns 4 and his behavior magically improves.  I need to fight the fight now.  I can’t picture how fierce he will be when he’s a teen if I don’t establish my authority now.  Oy vay!

Stay tuned for my review of Lesson 5: Understanding Faulty Thinking

Comments

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