Total Transformation Program: Lesson 5: Understanding Faulty Thinking

In Lesson 5 of The Total Transformation Program, James Lehman tries to help parents understand faulty thinking and how it interferes with communication and problem solving.

Faulty thinking is very common in our culture.  Just as people make errors in spelling or math which lead to wrong answers, people also make errors in solving social problems or taking personal responsibility for their behavior, which leads to ineffective or unacceptable solutions.

James Lehman starts lesson 5 out by outlining faulty thinking patterns:

Assuming: Jumping to conclusions and making uninformed decisions.

All or nothing thinking: Black and white thinking leaves no room for discussion about people or situations.  Avoid words like “never” or “always”

Personalizing: Blaming yourself for things you have no control over.  Don’t take it personally.

Hypodermic focus: Don’t put too much emphasis on one facet of the story.  For instance, forcing a child to look at you can take away from the larger message.

Embracing negativity: Rejecting positive feedback or suggestions.  When a child hears you respond to their negativity, their faulty thinking is challenged.

Emotionalizing: Feelings are emotions, not factual and true.  Feelings only have the value you place on them.  Parents can allow feelings at override calm, rational thought.

Projections: Mind reading.  Anticipating other people’s thoughts and feelings.  You will always fall short.

The blame game: Turning the issue around and putting other people on the defensive.  Placing fault, instead of responsibility.

Rule deflation: Keep the rules clear and consistent.  Rules shouldn’t change based on your mood/energy level.  The rules are the rules.

Uniqueness: “It won’t work for me because...”  My problems are unique and nobody understands.  This will not 

Excuses: Accept no excuses.  Excuses get in the way of making real change. 

Minimization: Making the harm done to others less hurtful than it really was in order to excuse the behavior.

Awfulizing: Projecting negative consequences and awful outcomes for any effort or action.

False self-perceptions: I’m so powerful, I don’t have to take the effort to change.  The same behavior will result in the same results.

Sincere self-delusion: We all believe what we think, even when our thinking is distorted.  Not knowing any better.

Faulty thinking inhibits ability to see the problem accurately and finding a solution that works.  We all use faulty thinking to justify behavior at times.  The goal is to learn about faulty thinking so that we can learn to identify it in ourselves.  Then we can identify it in our kids.

If we think and talk in ways that don’t help us communicate, we are not going to get anywhere.

Note: The end of this lesson discusses divorce.  I’m not going to delve into this too much.  He had a lot of really good advice.  As difficult as divorce can be, kids still need to be held accountable.  Divorce is not an excuse for bad behavior.  If a divorce has affected your family, your kid needs you now more than ever to coach the skills to behave properly.  I’m considering bringing Lesson 5 to Thanksgiving to allow my SIL to listen.  She is going through an ugly divorce and it has been very difficult on the kids.

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So, what did I take away from this lesson?

I recognize a few faulty thinking patterns in myself.  For instance, rule deflation.  I am very guilty of allowing the rules to bend when I’m tired or busy.  I see how this sends a mixed message to my kids and deflates the value of my rules.  I’m going to try to be more consistent.

And that whole hypodermic focus?  That’s me.  I’m very guilty of making my son look at me when I’m talking to him.  I know he hears me, but the conversation turns into a power struggle to get him to look at me and it takes away from my message.  The message is more important than my need for him to look at me.  I’m going to cut him some slack the next time and stay focused on the message.  I'll let you know how that works out.

Stay tuned for my review of Lesson 6: What to Do After Your Child Acts Out?

Comments

[Nancy W. Coburn]

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[Radii Straight Jacket]

Thank you for the tutorial! Those are extremely cute!