The Total Transformation Program: Lesson 6: What to Do After Your Child Acts Out

Lesson 6 of The Total Transformation Program discusses The Alternative Response Process. James Lehman calls this lesson the “heart” of The Total Transformation Program.

The Alternative Response Process is a simple step by step process to address both large and small lessons. It is centered around goal setting. It is extremely helpful because it outlines what exactly goals are. If parents can’t grasp goals, it can be hard to interpret to kids.

Goals are products, not wishes. Goals are measured by commitments. A commitment is a pledge to perform specific task. Commitments must be definitive, observable, realistic, reasonable and measurable.

This lesson discusses “what will happen then” and answers the question “How will we know the goal is working?”. He discusses the difference between a reward and an outcome, and stresses that not all goals need a reward.

There are 8 steps in the “Alternative Response”:

Step 1: Investigate: Ask the kid what happened and stick to the facts, not feelings.
Step 2: Confront: Meet it head on, honestly. State clearly what you saw going on.
Step 3: Identify: What were the triggers which preceeded the misbehavior?
Step 4: Challenge: Confront the kid’s perceptions about the trigger(s).
Step 5: Declare: Tell the kid to stop.
Step 6: Probe: What can you do next time?
Step 7: Choose: Ask the kid to choose how to handle it differently.
Step 8: Consequences and Amends: Not just an “I’m sorry”, but an amends. (Tee hee, this reminds me of my How to Apologize post.)

The end of this lesson walks through a couple of examples of The Alternate Response in action. It was very helpful to hear.

How will I apply this lesson to my life?
The concept that “goals are not wishes” really hits home with me. I am getting better at being consistent with my rules and setting consequences for bad behavior. It’s not always easy and I do fall off the wagon at times and turn into a screamer. However, I see that the non-screaming approach is better for both my kids and myself. I think I need to be more concrete with my goal setting so that my expectations are clear for my children. Also, just hearing an example of how to apply the lesson was very helpful. I hope to perfect The Alternative Response before my kids become teenagers.

An aside, I have joked about applying the techniques I have learned through The Total Transformation Program to communication with my husband. Well, James Lehman has created a marriage program called The Us Program. Check it out via a free trial: