Total Transformation Program: Lesson Two: Why won't my child listen?
Wednesday, September 24, 2008 at 11:58AM 
This post is a continuation of my review of The Total Transformation Program: A Parent’s Program for Managing Challenging Behaviors in Children, by James Lehman, MSW. See previous posts here and here .
In the second audio disk of The Total Transformation Program , Mr. Lehman begins to offer answers to the question: “Why won’t my child listen to me?”
He believes that parents often gloss over their child’s obnoxious or inappropriate behavior by labeling the behavior as a “phase”. Excusing bad behavior results in giving in to the child instead of demanding them to be accountable.
He describes a number of ineffective parenting “roles”. He uses the term “roles” because “they seem to come from a script the child has written.” Interesting.
The roles are:
Over-negotiator
Bottomless pockets
Screamer
Ticket Puncher
The Savior
The Martyr
The Perfectionist
The one that resonates with me the most is the Over-negotiator. Yep, I’m very guilty. In fact, I often joke that Sarah is our future trial lawyer because she has perfected the art of negotiation. She’s only 6 years old and it is very frustrating at times. I can’t imagine where this could lead if I don’t nip it in the bud.
Who is the Over-negotiator?
The parent who re-negotiates already agreed upon things after the kid challenges it.
The problem with this:
commitments don’t mean anything
boundaries are not solid
no does not mean NO
they don’t have to follow through
or worse, that you don’t think they can manage the task.
The solution:
Set reasonable expectations and stick with them. Have solid boundaries. Hold the child accountable.
An example:
Sarah is dying to have ice cream for dessert. I tell her she needs to eat her dinner before having ice cream for dessert. She totally turns her nose up at dinner and starts to whine and fuss and throw a fit, But, Mommy, I don’t like chicken/pasta/my favorite food We look at her plate and tell her that she needs to eat the veggie and 5 bites of her chicken before having ice cream. She thinks for a bit and says 3 bites We come back with 4 bites. Deal has been struck. The crocodile tears turn off as quickly as they started. She eats her very deliberate 4 bites and happily eats her ice cream for dessert.
I’m left thinking, Whoa, what the hell just happened?!
So…let’s back up to when we said she had to eat her dinner before dessert and she started her fit. We had 3 options:
1) Give in and let her have ice cream. (Geesh, even I know this isn’t effective parenting!!)
2) Get into a bidding war of how many more bites she needs to eat before having ice cream.
3) Be respectful, but firmly tell her that they she will get no ice cream until she eats her dinner and that no amount of crying or whining is going to change that.
Sure, giving in every now and then probably won’t create chronically bad behavior for some children. It seems harmless enough to go with 1 or 2, but, think of the consequences if the child begins to learn that they have the control in this re-negotiation.
When you’re just talking about ice cream after dinner, it seems innocent enough, but you’re teaching the child to whine, fuss, re-negotiate the terms in order to get what they want. Good luck when they get a little older and more serious topics are at hand, like homework and curfews. Ai-chi-wow-wa.
I am also guilty of being the Screamer and sometimes Bottomless Pockets too. I’ll spare you the details for now. Leave me a comment if you want more detail into the other roles.
The more I listen to Mr. Lehman, the more I am sold on The Total Transformation Program.
Stay tuned for my review of Disc 3: Breaking Through
(Disclaimer: I did get sent this program for free. However, I promise to give my honest opinion about the program and will not gloss it over. Also, they will kick back an affiliate commission to me if someone actually buys the program after clicking through a link here at Mommycosm. Buy it if you want. Or don't. Doesn't hurt my feelings, 'kay?!)
Reader Comments (2)
These lessons sound like something i would be interested in looking more into... only I too have the problem of financially affording a progam at this price. I have a pretty hefty defiant 14 year old jr hulk on my hands... I don't like to make him angry. And then two younger siblings after him I am concerned that will mock this behavior! your blogs have been very helpful in reviewing this total transformation program. thanks.
[Ashlie]
Lisa, it is a bit pricey. However, they do offer a free 30 day trial and spread it out over 3 months for $109-ish/month. I've learned a LOT from this program and would recommend that anyone with defiant kids give it a try.
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